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fluence efficiently in life; and retain absolutely till death。”
I shuddered as he spoke: I felt his influence in my marrow—his hold on my limbs。
“Seek one elsewhere than in me; St。 John: seek one fitted to you。”
“One fitted to my purpose; you mean—fitted to my vocation。 Again I tell you it is not the insignificant private individual—the mere man; with the man’s selfish senses—I wish to mate: it is the missionary。”
“And I will give the missionary my energies—it is all he wants—but not myself: that would be only adding the husk and shell to the kernel。 For them he has no use: I retain them。”
“You cannot—you ought not。 Do you think God will be satisfied with half an oblation? Will He accept a mutilated sacrifice? It is the cause of God I advocate: it is under His standard I enlist you。 I cannot accept on His behalf a divided allegiance: it must be entire。”
“Oh! I will give my heart to God;” I said。 “You do not want it。”
I will not swear; reader; that there was not something of repressed sarcasm both in the tone in which I uttered this sentence; and in the feeling that acpanied it。 I had silently feared St。 John till now; because I had not understood him。 He had held me in awe; because he had held me in doubt。 How much of him was saint; how much mortal; I could not heretofore tell: but revelations were being made in this conference: the analysis of his nature was proceeding before my eyes。 I saw his fallibilities: I prehended them。 I understood that; sitting there where I did; on the bank of heath; and with that handsome form before me; I sat at the feet of a man; caring as I。 The veil fell from his hardness and despotism。 Having felt in him the presence of these qualities; I felt his imperfection and took courage。 I I m