第63部分(第4/7 页)

I　was　of　the　risks；　the　horrors；　the　loathings　of　incongruous　unions—would　have　asked　to　marry　me。　Disappointment　made　me　reckless。　I　tried　dissipation—never　debauchery：　that　I　hated；　and　hate。　That　was　my　Indian　Messalina’s　attribute：　rooted　disgust　at　it　and　her　restrained　me　much；　even　in　pleasure。　Any　enjoyment　that　bordered　on　riot　seemed　to　approach　me　to　her　and　her　vices；　and　I　eschewed　it。

“Yet　I　could　not　live　alone；　so　I　tried　the　panionship　of　mistresses。　The　first　I　chose　was　Céline　Varens—another　of　those　steps　which　make　a　man　spurn　himself　when　he　recalls　them。　You　already　know　what　she　was；　and　how　my　liaison　with　her　terminated。　She　had　two　successors：　an　Italian；　Giacinta；　and　a　German；　Clara；　both　considered　singularly　handsome。　What　was　their　beauty　to　me　in　a　few　weeks？　Giacinta　was　unprincipled　and　violent：　I　tired　of　her　in　three　months。　Clara　indless；　and　unimpressible：　not　one　whit　to　my　taste。　I　was　glad　to　give　her　a　sufficient　sum　to　set　her　up　in　a　good　line　of　business；　and　so　get　decently　rid　of　her。　But；　Jane；　I　see　by　your　face　you　are　not　forming　a　very　favourable　opinion　of　me　just　now。　You　think　me　an　unfeeling；　loose…principled　rake：　don’t　you？”

“I　don’t　like　you　so　well　as　I　have　done　sometimes；　indeed；　sir。　Did　it　not　seem　to　you　in　the　least　wrong　to　live　in　that　way；　first　with　one　mistress　and　then　another？　You　talk　of　it　as　a　mere　matter　of　course。”

“It　was　with　me；　and　I　did　not　like　it。　It　was　a　grovelling　fashion　of　existence：　I　should　never　like　to　return　to　it。　Hiring　a　mistress　is　the　next　worse　thing　to　buying　a　slave：　both　are　often　by　nature；　and　always　by　position；　inferior：　and　to　live　familiarly　with　inferiors　is　degrading。　I　now　hate　the　recollection　of　the　time　I　passed　with　Céline；　Giacinta；